150 Funny Quotes to Make You Laugh Out Loud
Need a good chuckle? Explore 150 hilarious funny quotes about life, work, relationships, and the absurdities of being human. Guaranteed to brighten your day!
I’ve always believed that a day without laughter is a day wasted. There’s something incredibly liberating about finding the humor in a situation that should probably be stressful. Last week, for instance, I managed to pour orange juice into my cereal instead of milk while half-asleep. Instead of getting annoyed at the sticky mess, I just started laughing at my own incompetence. It’s those little moments that remind us not to take life too seriously.
In my experience, the right quote at the right time can completely shift your mood. Whether you’re dealing with a demanding boss, a toddler who thinks the walls are a canvas, or just the general absurdity of existing in 2026, a quick dose of wit can be a lifesaver. I keep a folder on my phone dedicated to funny snippets that have made me chuckle over the years, and I turn to it whenever I need a mental reset.
These funny quotes aren’t just about the punchline; they’re about the shared human experience of being slightly confused and perpetually overwhelmed. We’re all just winging it, and sometimes the best thing we can do is laugh about it together. Here are 150 of my absolute favorite hilarious quotes to help you find the light side of life, no matter what you’re facing.
Funny Quotes About Life’s Absurdities
Life is a beautiful, chaotic mess, and these quotes capture that perfectly. We often spend so much time planning for the future that we forget how ridiculous the present can be. According to the Mayo Clinic, laughter has significant short-term and long-term benefits for stress relief, making these absurd observations more than just jokes—they’re practically health advice.
“Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.” — Elbert Hubbard
This is the ultimate reminder that we’re all on a one-way trip, so we might as well enjoy the ride.
“Life is what happens to us while we are making other plans.” — Allen Saunders
I think about this every time my “perfect” weekend gets derailed by a leaky faucet or a surprise visit.
“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.” — Bill Watterson
Calvin and Hobbes creator Bill Watterson always had a way of pointing out our species’ collective weirdness.
“When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.” — Cathy Guisewite
Sometimes, making lemonade is just too much work. A little chaos is much more therapeutic.
“Life is a lot like jazz… it’s best when you improvise.” — George Gershwin
The best moments in my life have almost always been the ones I didn’t see coming.
“I used to think I was indecisive. But now I’m not so sure.” — Unknown
This is the internal monologue of me trying to decide what to have for dinner every single night.
“I always take life with a grain of salt. And a slice of lemon. And a shot of tequila.” — Unknown
A practical philosophy that makes most problems feel significantly smaller—or at least more blurred.
“Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.” — Unknown
It’s a steep entry fee, but the scenery and the snacks are generally worth it.
“The rotation of Earth really makes my day.” — Unknown
Puns are the lowest form of wit, which is exactly why they are my favorite kind of humor.
“I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.” — Ron White
Ron White knows that happiness is all about finding the right people to collaborate with.
“Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.” — Mel Brooks
Mel Brooks perfectly captures the thin (and often selfish) line between what we find sad and what we find hilarious.
“Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.” — Unknown
This is the kind of practical, slightly threatening advice I can really get behind.
“I am going to keep having fun every day I have left, because there is no other way of life. You just have to decide whether you are a Tigger or an Eeyore.” — Randy Pausch
From the famous “Last Lecture,” this reminds us that our attitude is the one thing we always control.
“The planet is fine. The people are messed up.” — George Carlin
Carlin had a way of cutting through our collective ego and reminding us how small our problems really are.
“I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.” — Bertrand Russell
Intellectual humility wrapped in a punchline. It’s a great way to stay open-minded.
“The chief function of the body is to carry the brain around.” — Thomas A. Edison
As someone who spends most of their day sitting at a desk, this feels uncomfortably accurate.
“I have never been hurt by what I have not said.” — Calvin Coolidge
The “Silent Cal” approach to life—sometimes the funniest thing you can do is keep your mouth shut.
“You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.” — Mae West
Mae West was the queen of making the most out of every single moment.
“Sometimes I wish I had a terrible childhood, so that at least I’d have an excuse.” — Unknown
For those of us whose problems are mostly self-inflicted, this one hits a little too close to home.
“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.” — Dalai Lama
A brilliant reminder that even the smallest presence can have a massive impact (and be very annoying).
“Life would be tragic if it weren’t funny.” — Stephen Hawking
When one of the greatest minds in history tells you to find the humor in life, you listen.
“Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.” — Will Rogers
Will Rogers knew the secret to a happy life was a healthy dose of schadenfreude.
“A day without laughter is a day wasted.” — Charlie Chaplin
Simple, profound, and a rule I try to live by every single day.
“Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.” — Unknown
One of those universal truths that you notice more and more as you get older.
“My life feels like a test I didn’t study for.” — Unknown
And I’m pretty sure I’m using the wrong kind of pencil, too. For more witty observations on our daily existence, explore our collection of quotes about comedy and life to keep the laughter going.
Hilarious Quotes About Work and Career
The daily grind is perhaps the greatest source of comedy known to man. From endless meetings that could have been emails to the unique “joy” of coworkers, work provides endless material. If you’re looking for ways to stay positive in the office, our collection of happiness quotes to brighten your day pairs perfectly with these cynical observations.
“I choose a lazy person to do a hard job, because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it.” — Bill Gates
Efficient laziness is practically a superpower in the modern corporate world.
“No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early.” — Groucho Marx
The sound of the boss’s car leaving the parking lot is the universal signal for productivity to drop by 90%.
“Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?” — Edgar Bergen
It’s better to be safe than sorry, especially when there’s a comfortable chair and a coffee machine nearby.
“The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary.” — Vidal Sassoon
Vidal Sassoon reminding us that even the most glamorous careers started with a lot of sweeping up.
“If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.” — John Gotti
A slightly terrifying but very effective bit of perspective on the corporate hierarchy.
“I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I’m lying.” — Unknown
The downside of being your own boss is that you are also your own most skeptical employee.
“My keyboard must be broken, I keep hitting the escape key, but I’m still at work.” — Unknown
I’ve checked, and apparently, it’s a software limitation, not a hardware issue.
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” — Robert Orben
This is my morning ritual, and so far, Forbes has been very consistent about keeping me humble.
“The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.” — Robert Frost
Robert Frost clearly understood the unique mental fog that descends the moment you walk through the office doors.
“People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.” — Ogden Nash
A strange economic reality that makes me feel better about my sedentary lifestyle.
“Work is against human nature. The proof is that it makes us tired.” — Unknown
If we were meant to work, wouldn’t it give us more energy instead of taking it away?
“I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.” — Henny Youngman
Financial independence is easy—it’s the timing that’s the tricky part.
“The worst part of success is trying to find someone who is happy for you.” — Bette Midler
Success can be lonely, especially when your friends are still waiting for their big break.
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.” — Oscar Wilde
Nothing makes a Tuesday morning meeting feel more valuable than a quick glance at your bank balance.
“If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock.” — Claude McDonald
Why take the long way around when there might be a clever shortcut?
“The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen.” — Sarah Brown
A brutal reminder that eventually, we actually have to get up and do something.
“You can’t have a million-dollar dream with a minimum wage work ethic.” — Stephen C. Hogan
This one is less of a joke and more of a wake-up call for those of us who spend too much time dreaming.
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs…” — Joe Girard
And let’s be honest, most of us are still looking for the escalator.
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.” — George Carlin
The delicate balance that keeps the entire global economy from collapsing.
“Choose a job you love, and you’ll never have to work a day in your life… because that field probably isn’t hiring.” — Unknown
The cynical modern twist on one of history’s most overused pieces of advice.
“A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.” — Unknown
It’s amazing how much privacy you can feel in a space that is essentially a cardboard box.
“My resume is just a list of things I hope you never ask me to do.” — Unknown
“Proficient in Excel” actually means “I know how to Google Excel formulas.”
“Coworkers are like Christmas lights. They hang together, half of them don’t work and the other half aren’t so bright.” — Unknown
We all have that one “light” in the office who just can’t seem to stay plugged in.
“I hate when I lose things at work, like pens, papers, sanity and dreams.” — Unknown
Sanity is usually the first thing to go, followed closely by my favorite ballpoint pen.
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” — Phyllis Diller
The holiday season is the peak time for career-limiting moves fueled by eggnog.
Witty Quotes About Relationships and Marriage
Relationships are a beautiful dance of love, compromise, and occasionally wondering why your partner eats cereal like a chainsaw. As Psychology Today points out, humor is a secret weapon in successful relationships. It helps diffuse tension and builds a unique bond that only the two of you share.
“Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn’t show up on X-rays, but you know it’s there.” — George Burns
It’s invisible, often uncomfortable, and you usually need someone else’s help to deal with it.
“Love is sharing your popcorn.” — Charles Schultz
The ultimate test of true affection is whether you’re willing to give up the butteriest kernels.
“Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses.” — Lord Dewar
A romantic but very practical way to look at the financial reality of commitment.
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” — Unknown
True intimacy is being able to point out the flaws without hurting the feelings.
“You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories.” — Melanie White
The love is free; the dinner, the flowers, and the anniversary gifts are definitely not.
“Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.” — Albert Einstein
Einstein reminding us that even the most brilliant minds can’t explain why we’re attracted to each other.
“Every day I fall in love with you more and more. Except yesterday… yesterday you were pretty annoying.” — Unknown
Honesty is the foundation of any long-term relationship, and some days are just harder than others.
“Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” — Phyllis Diller
Phyllis Diller offering the most practical marriage advice ever recorded.
“Love is an electric blanket with somebody else in control of the switch.” — Cathy Guisewite
It’s cozy and warm, but there’s always a slight risk that you’re going to get overheated.
“Love is being stupid together.” — Paul Valery
If you can’t be weird and ridiculous with your partner, who can you be weird with?
“Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.” — Jules Renard
The biological explanation for why we make such questionable decisions when we’re infatuated.
“If you can stay in love for more than two years, you’re on something.” — Fran Lebowitz
The honeymoon phase has a strict expiration date, and what comes after is the real work.
“Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache.” — Mae West
Mae West understood that romance has its limits when basic needs aren’t being met.
“True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked.” — Erich Segal
The most enduring love is often found in the quiet, mundane moments of daily life.
“If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?” — Lily Tomlin
A brilliant way to point out that love isn’t always the solution to every single problem.
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” — Will Ferrell
This should be a mandatory part of every pre-marital counseling program.
“I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” — Rita Rudner
Marriage is essentially just a long-term contract for mutual irritation and affection.
“Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.” — Jimmy Shubert
A cynical but hilarious take on the different ways we navigate the world of dating.
“I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner
It’s a small sample size, but the logic is undeniably sound.
“As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: You can be right or you can be happy.” — Unknown
The golden rule of relationship longevity. Choose your battles wisely.
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years — then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
The king of self-deprecating humor reminds us that the best stories often start with a disaster.
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings and lawyers.” — Richard Pryor
The two things most people try to avoid as much as possible, combined into one ceremony.
“My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.” — Rodney Dangerfield
Another classic Rodney Dangerfield line that proves humor is the best way to deal with insecurity.
“Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest.” — Unknown
A warning about the dangers of emotional stagnation and the importance of regular “deposits.”
“Love is a two-way street constantly under construction.” — Unknown
There’s always a detour, a few potholes, and a lot of orange cones to navigate.
Funny Quotes About Aging and Growing Up
Aging is the only way to live a long life, yet we all seem surprised when it happens to us. One day you’re staying out until 3 AM, and the next, you’re excited about a new vacuum cleaner. If you need more perspective on life’s transitions, our joy quotes that spread positivity offer a lighter take on the passing years.
“As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.” — Sir Norman Wisdom
The perfect example of a joke that explains its own premise as it goes along.
“Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.” — Winston Churchill
Churchill’s wit reminding us that nature has a way of simplifying our moral choices.
“Just remember, once you’re over the hill you begin to pick up speed.” — Charles Schulz
The descent might be faster, but at least we don’t have to pedal as hard.
“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.” — Steven Wright
The ultimate optimistic take on the inevitable passage of time.
“Old age is fifteen years older than I am.” — Bernard Baruch
No matter how old we get, “old” is always a destination that is still a few miles down the road.
“Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.” — Unknown
There is a unique pride in surviving long enough to become a biological curiosity.
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” — George Burns
Efficiency becomes our primary concern as our mobility starts to have a budget.
“Don’t let aging get you down. It’s too hard to get back up.” — Unknown
Practical advice for anyone who has ever made a sound while sitting down or standing up.
“The older I get, the better I used to be.” — Lee Trevino
Our memories have a wonderful way of editing our past performances into highlights.
“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.” — Lucille Ball
Lucille Ball knew that a little bit of deception is a vital part of any anti-aging routine.
“You don’t stop laughing when you grow old; you grow old when you stop laughing.” — George Bernard Shaw
Laughter is the one thing that keeps our spirits from getting as wrinkled as our skin.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.” — Mark Twain
Twain’s classic line is the perfect mantra for anyone refusing to act their age.
“Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes age just shows up all by itself.” — Tom Wilson
Growing older is mandatory; growing wiser is very much an elective course.
“Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life.” — Kitty Collins
A blunt reminder that the alternative to getting older is much less desirable.
“You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.” — Bob Hope
Birthday parties eventually become a significant fire hazard and a budget concern.
“I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.” — Bob Hope
The schedule of a person who has finally earned the right to ignore the morning entirely.
“When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old.” — Mark Twain
True compliments are replaced by polite lies as we cross certain biological milestones.
“Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer you get to the end, the faster it goes.” — Unknown
A slightly crude but undeniably accurate metaphor for the accelerating pace of the years.
“Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.” — Maurice Chevalier
Perspective is everything, especially when you’re counting your blessings and your grey hairs.
“You know you are getting old when everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work.” — Hy Gardner
The human body eventually becomes a collection of complaints and malfunctions.
“You can live to be a hundred if you give up all things that make you want to live to be a hundred.” — Woody Allen
The fundamental paradox of healthy living and longevity.
“Growing old is mandatory, but growing up is optional.” — Walt Disney
Walt Disney was the living proof that a childlike spirit is the best defense against time.
“I’m so old that my blood type is discontinued.” — Bill Dane
A hilarious way to describe the feeling of being a relic from a different era.
“Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.” — Unknown
The great migration of our physical and mental attributes as we reach the halfway point.
“The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.” — Unknown
Patience is a virtue, but time is a finite resource that we’re increasingly unwilling to waste.
Clever One-Liners and Short Jokes
Sometimes the best humor comes in small, concentrated doses. These one-liners are perfect for sharing on social media or using to break the ice in a tense situation. For more bite-sized inspiration, check out our quotes about smiling and laughter to keep the good vibes flowing throughout your day.
“People who take care of chickens are literally chicken tenders.” — Unknown
This is the kind of shower thought that makes you question everything you know about job titles.
“You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.” — Unknown
They really just looked at a place with fire and called it a day. Peak efficiency.
“R.I.P. boiled water. You will be mist.” — Unknown
A pun so simple and clean that it deserves a moment of silent appreciation.
“What if there were no hypothetical questions?” — Unknown
The paradox that keeps philosophers and comedians up at night.
“If you don’t pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?” — Unknown
A practical concern for anyone dealing with supernatural disturbances and financial difficulties.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you; but it’s still on the list.” — Unknown
For those moments when you’re feeling a little bit petty and a lot honest.
“The future, the present, and the past walk into a bar. Things got a little tense.” — Unknown
Grammar jokes are the secret handshake of the witty and the well-read.
“I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work.” — Unknown
This is the quintessential “dad joke” that somehow never loses its charm.
“My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.” — Unknown
A visual joke wrapped in a punchline. It’s efficient storytelling at its finest.
“What’s the difference between an outlaw and an in-law? Outlaws are wanted.” — Unknown
Family gatherings would be a lot more exciting if the roles were reversed.
“So what if I don’t know what ‘Armageddon’ means? It’s not the end of the world.” — Unknown
Self-referential humor is the best way to hide your own ignorance.
“A blind man walked into a bar… And a table… And a chair…” — Unknown
Taking a classic setup and leading it into a literal and painful conclusion.
“No matter how far you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.” — Unknown
Another brilliant pun that celebrates the quirks and contradictions of the English language.
“A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.” — Unknown
A poetic take on history’s most famous and most questioned animal migration.
“Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession.” — Unknown
The ultimate legal loophole for the lord of the underworld.
“Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven eight nine.” — Unknown
The joke that has been entertaining children and annoying parents for generations.
“Scientists have recently discovered a food that greatly reduces sex drive. It’s called wedding cake.” — James Boren
A cynical look at the biological changes that occur the moment you say “I do.”
“I never knew what happiness was until I got married—and then it was too late.” — Max Kauffmann
Another classic marriage joke that highlights the “ball and chain” perspective of commitment.
“Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.” — Groucho Marx
Groucho Marx showing us how a simple play on words can completely change a sentence’s meaning.
“I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.” — Unknown
Finally, a scientific experiment that is actually relevant to our daily lives.
“Why was Cinderella so bad at soccer? She kept running away from the ball!” — Unknown
The kind of joke that makes you roll your eyes and smile at the same time.
“Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom? Because the ‘P’ is silent.” — Unknown
A joke that requires a basic understanding of prehistoric linguistics for the full effect.
“What do you call a well-balanced horse? Stable.” — Unknown
Simple, direct, and exactly the kind of wordplay that keeps us sane.
“Where do polar bears keep their money? In a snowbank.” — Unknown
A cold-blooded pun that is perfect for any arctic-themed occasion.
“What did the tomato say to the other tomato during a race? Ketchup.” — Unknown
The classic motivational speech for slow-moving vegetables.
“How do you organize a space party? You planet.” — Unknown
A astronomical pun that reminds us that preparation is the key to any successful gathering.
Relatable Quotes About Parenting and Family
Family is where you are loved the most and acted the craziest. Parenting, in particular, is a high-stakes comedy where you’re both the director and the person cleaning up the spills. According to HelpGuide, shared laughter is one of the most effective tools for keeping relationships fresh and exciting, especially within a family.
“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.” — Jerry Seinfeld
Seinfeld perfectly captures the chaotic, unpredictable energy of a toddler on the move.
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.” — Erma Bombeck
Erma Bombeck was the original queen of domestic humor, reminding us that parents need a timeout, too.
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child’s attention is to sit down and look comfortable.” — Lane Olinghouse
Children have a biological sensor that alerts them the moment a parent tries to relax.
“Silence is golden… unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” — Unknown
If it’s too quiet, someone is either eating something they shouldn’t or drawing on the cat.
“Having children is like living in a frat house… Nobody sleeps, everything’s broken and there’s a lot of throwing up.” — Ray Romano
Ray Romano’s take on family life is a hilarious reminder of the messy reality of raising humans.
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” — Jenny McCarthy
The struggle to return to a routine is a shared trauma for parents everywhere.
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.” — Phyllis Diller
A losing battle that we all continue to fight, despite the obvious futility.
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?” — Milton Berle
A practical biological question that every overwhelmed parent has asked at least once.
“Whenever you feel like a bad parent, just remember that the mum from Home Alone was halfway to Paris before she realised she was missing a child.” — Unknown
Fictional characters are great for making our own parenting fails look like minor setbacks.
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.” — Wayne Huizenga
Every family has at least one person who keeps the reunions interesting.
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.” — George Burns
George Burns understood that the secret to family harmony is often a healthy amount of distance.
“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.” — George Bernard Shaw
Embracing the weirdness of your ancestry is much more fun than trying to hide it.
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.” — Amber Dusick
Humor isn’t just a luxury in parenting; it’s the fundamental skill that keeps you sane.
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.” — Leo Burke
A blunt correction to one of history’s most inaccurate and annoying idioms.
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.” — Nora Ephron
Nora Ephron providing a survival strategy for the most challenging years of the parenting journey.
Funny Quotes About Food, Dieting, and Technology
We live in a world where our phones know us better than our parents do and where “dieting” is just something we do between slices of pizza. These quotes highlight the modern struggles we all face in the age of the internet and endless snacks. If you need a break from the digital noise, our funny friendship quotes offer a great way to reconnect with your human friends.
“I’m not overweight. I’m just nine inches too short.” — Shelley Winters
Shelley Winters providing the perfect biological explanation for my own clothing struggles.
“The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you’re off it.” — Jackie Gleason
The most realistic take on weight loss ever recorded. The struggle is real, but it’s also very short.
“A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.” — Barbara Johnson
Finally, a nutritional philosophy that I can actually get excited about.
“The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.” — Unknown
Our bodies are very loyal to their storage systems, especially after a few decades of collaboration.
“I’ve been on a diet for two weeks and all I’ve lost is two weeks.” — Totie Fields
For anyone who has ever felt like their effort was not reflected on the scale.
“I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.” — Unknown
The most honest and sustainable eating plan in human history.
“My diet said no, but my heart said pizza.” — Unknown
When your internal organs are in disagreement, the heart always wins.
“Life is short. Eat the cake.” — Unknown
Simple, effective, and a rule that I try to live by whenever there’s dessert nearby.
“I’d rather check my Facebook than face my checkbook.” — Craig Coelho
Technology provides the perfect escape from the terrifying reality of personal finance.
“A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.” — Emo Philips
A brilliant reminder that we still have certain physical advantages over our digital overlords.
“To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.” — Paul Ehrlich
Humans are limited by their own speed, but technology can make mistakes at the speed of light.
“The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are FBI agents.” — Unknown
A classic warning about the anonymity and uncertainty of life in the digital age.
“My phone battery dies faster than my social life.” — Unknown
A sobering comparison that highlights our dependency on devices and the fragility of our connections.
“Technology is great — until you sneeze and accidentally share your screen.” — Unknown
The modern nightmare that keeps us all on edge during every single video call.
“Never trust a computer you can’t throw out a window.” — Steve Wozniak
Coming from the co-founder of Apple, this is both hilarious and surprisingly deep advice.
Laughter really is the best medicine, even when the side effects include snorting your drink and having your coworkers look at you funny. These quotes remind us that while life can be tough, it’s also incredibly hilarious if you’re willing to look at it from the right angle. I hope these witty words brought a smile to your face today. Don’t forget to share your favorite one with someone who needs a laugh—after all, humor is the one thing that multiplies when you give it away.